“And when this thing between me and him inevitably ends, at least I know there was a person at some point in my life, who made me feel all those lost feelings, and want things I never knew I could want.”
“It was difficult to get over him. To be honest, I don’t know if I ever did. For some reason this guy was a huge deal for me.”
Dear readers, welcome to Travel Plans for Miss Fancypants.
Today we’re talking about feelings. Feelings that wouldn’t have happened if I just stayed at home like normal people. But no, I had to go out there in the world and meet a hunky ass man.
So you guys as always, I’m writing about my feelings very openly and I don’t really care who reads this and what you think. This is how I’m feeling right now and how I’ve been feeling for quite some time now and just can’t HANDLE THIS ANYMORE, and I have to let these feelings out so here we go.
I have wanted to write a “How to get over an international crush” self help post for two years now, but I’ve come to realize – sometimes you just can’t get over someone. And things get bad.
I’ve been living in and out of different countries my entire adulthood (Finland, Spain, USA and Greece) and learned a great deal about myself, my reactions, my feelings and relationships while experiencing life in different cultures.
I’ve had many different types of crushes and hook ups in my life, as probably have most of you, and finally a few years ago
after a lifetime of pointless drama, I mastered the art of not giving a crap.
Past years, if I met someone cool while living abroad – I didn’t have a problem with hanging out or hooking up with them. I knew in my mind I’d miss them like crazy after I moved away – but in the back of my brain I was fine with it. People come and go – what’s the point right?
Or…if after a while these people would ghost me and only reach out to me in desperate need for some nudes, – I was OK with that too. I’d send a photo and be like “There, have fun”.
Or if I saw one of these “crushes” with another girl, I’d first go a little mental (obviously) but then just be like “God dammit there goes my sex for the night”.
Anyway, my point here is that even thought I’ve had these crushes and dates and cute guys around me – I just have never CARED enough about my future with them.
My thought process has been basically: if it leads to a relationship: cool.
If he ghosts me: cool too.
There has only been ONE guy in my life that I almost couldn’t get over. I think I loved the guy. He was out of reach but oh, we were so great together. It took me a little over a year to get over this person, but the amount of pain, tears, songs I wrote, dreams I had, plans I made- was insane. There was magic. Magic AND PAIN I just haven’t felt since.
….And I thought I wouldn’t need that feeling again.
I thought I could live without that crazy sensation. I thought it was just not possible to experience it again.
That’s why I stayed in my previous relationships. I didn’t love the guys I’ve been in relationships with. I’ve loved made up characters from TV shows more. But I stayed – because I thought I wouldn’t find anyone I’d actually love. Mental right?
And that’s why also being ghosted hasn’t felt like such a big deal.
I’ve learned to keep my emotions in control and not get too attached to anyone.
If I feel I’m unwanted, I immediately throw nets further in the sea and I pull myself away from the waves of potential emotions. Better to be a mermaid and party with the fish in the sea, rather than being the one who’s desperately trying to catch a fish.
Or that’s what I thought. Until recently my life’s been SHOOK.
A few years ago I met a guy. While living in USA. While dating another guy.
He saw me as a friend. I saw him as everything I’ve ever wanted.
I broke up with the other guy and tried my hardest to get the new guy. Didn’t work.
I moved back to Finland, and started the process of getting over this crush.
He started dating another girl. I moved to Greece.
It was difficult to get over him. To be honest, I don’t know if I ever did. For some reason this guy was a huge deal for me. I didn’t know him well but my brain had created this image and it was not easy to delete it. I wanted to remove him from my life (Facebook) but a tiny voice kept saying “what if”.
I decided to wait.
Then something happened. He started talking to me.
I moved back to Finland.
He came to visit me.
And it was beautifully perfect.
I still see him as everything that’s been missing from me.
I’m now in USA. I’m not sure how he sees me.
We’ve spent some amazing times together in different cities both in my end and his.
This short but eventful carousel has showed me that not all relationships would be painful and boring. He makes me vulnerable but confident.
Nervous but the most comfortable I’ve ever been. Insane yet calm.
I tried to start the process of getting over him again before I get hurt, but I’m already hurting myself.
I don’t write songs anymore. But I write this blog.
And what am I doing? I’m writing about this guy.
I’m not saying it’s love. But this is definitely a feeling that’s been missing from me.
And I’m scared, because my heart is already breaking. I’ve never cried this much in my entire life. I’ve felt a lifetime worth of emotions in just two months. And it’s making me weak and insane.
I’m moving back to Greece in a few weeks, and when this thing between me and him inevitably ends, and when I move back to my old habits of not giving a fuck, and when I start the process of getting over him once more,
at least I know there was a person in my late twenties who gave me that long lost feeling again. A person who proved some wrongs right. A person who came to my life like magic after I’d almost given up on feeling love. A person who unlocked my pandora’s box filled with my emotions, my demons (I’m so sorry for that, I had a lot locked up). A person who made me want (super remotely) normal things from life and turning me into a whiny girl who just wants affection and attention.
And with that memory I can go on until something equally amazing happens.
Is there someone out there in my Fancypants community who’s going through something equally agonizing? MAKE YOURSELF KNOWN.
I can’t be the only one who’s suffering!
Until next time,
xoxo Miss Fancypants